A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!" He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!

A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?"

The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

"Hah! So what?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.

"I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a Doberman!"

DEAD PARROTS SOCIETY

A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room.

The vet carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion."

The vet thought a second, then said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black Labrador retriever. The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally letting out a low "woof" sound and looking up at the vet. The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that the bird is dead too."

The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another opinion!" The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged it again and again. Finally, the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird. The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too." The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?"

The vet said, "That will be $600.00."

The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's outrageous!"

The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees and CAT scan."

Pros and Cons of Owning a Human (A Bird's Point Of View)

By "Sabrina" Vos Eclectus & Miss Kari Rabbit

1. They sleep too late. I mean, honestly, why must they wait for the sun to be ENTIRELY up to get out of bed and feed me?

2. Some learn to talk, but most don't. They have this annoying tendency to repeat the same thing over and over again without any real purpose. I have spent countless hours trying to get mine to learn to scream but to no avail.

3. No matter how many times I fling the kale out of my bowl, my person refuses to get the message and there it is again the next day ruining my breakfast. Why must it be so difficult to get some cheese around here?

4. Humans are all noisy. They yell across the house all the time. Don't get me started on that awful sound they make at night when they are sleeping. Sounds like a buzzsaw.

5. They continuously hang their little colored blocks of wood and string in MY bedroom. Like I don't have enough of my own stuff, I need to operate a storage facility too? I destroy the things, and what do they do? They go ahead and hang more. You'd think they'd get the message. I honestly just don't have the room!

6. Did I mention how hard it is to get a piece of cheese around here??

7. Humans are messy. No bones about it - socks on the floor, jacket on the chair, and when was the last time yours made its bed in the morning?

8. Once a year or so they drag you to this awful place where some complete stranger wraps you in a towel and shines a light in your eye. Watch out for the needle - they're after your blood, god only knows what for! You're like, "Uh, a little HELP here??", but your human stands there stupidly and does NOTHING until the strangers have decided they have had enough of you. If you're lucky you'll get to go home then. Be sure and bite your human at least once for this indignation to teach them a lesson and maybe they won't take you there again next year.

9. Humans hardly ever keep to a schedule. I like to think I have mine trained to get home at 6:30pm, but then every so often she surprises me by not showing up until 9pm! The nerve. Also, what is it about Sundays and my not getting breakfast on time because humans like to sleep in?

10. They let strange people in the house without asking my permission.

11. Humans sometimes carry pests like cats and dogs. I have not yet figured out how to rid them of this problem.

12. If you want to keep more than one human, just be prepared that they don't always get along. Other times they get along too well and completely ignore you - a few loud bursts of screaming should solve either issue quickly.

13. Sometimes they place a cover over your bedroom WELL before you have any interest in going to bed.

14. They, not being the brightest creatures, tend to sit in one place for HOURS staring at a box with pictures in it that makes a lot of noise. Either that or they sit in front of a DIFFERENT type of box and tap their fingers on the tabletop in front of IT for hours. Doesn't take much to keep them occupied. Use this time wisely and get into and destroy anything you normally wouldn't be allowed to if they were paying attention!

15. Lastly, in spite of all their unpleasant habits, they are GREAT cuddlers, they skritch that spot you can never quite reach, and they do offer fabulous room service (when it includes cheese), house cleaning, and spa services.

The Magician

After much competition,a very talented  magician had just obtained a job performing on a luxury cruise ship. Each night his pet parrot interrupted and spoiled his  performance by saying "It's up his sleeve", "It's in his pocket" "It's in his shoe", etc, etc. One night while performing the act, the ship's boiler blew up and the ship sank. The fortunate magician was able to grab onto one of the ship's planks, and along with his parrot, floated on the sea. The first few days that the wood drifted, the parrot just starred at the magician looking puzzled. On the 4th day the bewildered parrot looked at his master and said "I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

The Impolite Parrot

Two college students purchased a parrot to keep in their apartment. The parrot was highly intelligent, but all it ever did was swear. The bird's vocabulary was extensive, however, it would swear for five minutes straight without repeating a single profanity. At first the two young men thought that this was the coolest bird. After days and nights of constant verbal abuse, the student's couldn't tolerate it anymore. They decided to isolate the bird so they couldn't hear the words. They put the bird in the kitchen where they had just finished eating a bucket of fried chicken. For the first few seconds, the parrot went crazy, squawking and thrashing around the room. The students began to worry that the bird might have hurt itself, so they opened the kitchen door. The parrot calmly walked onto the one student's arm and politely said, "Awfully sorry about all of the trouble I have given you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The students were amazed and bewildered by the transformation that had come over the parrot. After a few minutes the parrot asked, "By the way, what did that chicken do?"

Really Ugly!

A lady was walking down the street to work, and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.  

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  

Well, as you can imagine, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.  

On the way home she saw the same parrot, and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  

She was incredibly ticked now.  

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "WOW lady, you are still really ugly."  

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird if the manager didn't take care of this problem.  

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.  

When the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."  

She stopped and said, "Yes?"  

The bird paused, then said, "You know."

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"