A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept.
He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!" He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!
A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"
He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?"
The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"
"Hah! So what?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.
"I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a Doberman!"
DEAD PARROTS SOCIETY
A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room.
The vet carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion."
The vet thought a second, then said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black Labrador retriever. The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally letting out a low "woof" sound and looking up at the vet. The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that the bird is dead too."
The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another opinion!" The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged it again and again. Finally, the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird. The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too." The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?"
The vet said, "That will be $600.00."
The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's outrageous!"
The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees and CAT scan."
Pros and Cons of Owning a Human (A Bird's Point Of View)
By "Sabrina" Vos Eclectus & Miss Kari Rabbit
After much competition,a very talented magician had just obtained a job performing on a luxury cruise ship. Each night his pet parrot interrupted and spoiled his performance by saying "It's up his sleeve", "It's in his pocket" "It's in his shoe", etc, etc. One night while performing the act, the ship's boiler blew up and the ship sank. The fortunate magician was able to grab onto one of the ship's planks, and along with his parrot, floated on the sea. The first few days that the wood drifted, the parrot just starred at the magician looking puzzled. On the 4th day the bewildered parrot looked at his master and said "I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
The Impolite Parrot
Two college students purchased a parrot to keep in their apartment. The parrot was highly intelligent, but all it ever did was swear. The bird's vocabulary was extensive, however, it would swear for five minutes straight without repeating a single profanity. At first the two young men thought that this was the coolest bird. After days and nights of constant verbal abuse, the student's couldn't tolerate it anymore. They decided to isolate the bird so they couldn't hear the words. They put the bird in the kitchen where they had just finished eating a bucket of fried chicken. For the first few seconds, the parrot went crazy, squawking and thrashing around the room. The students began to worry that the bird might have hurt itself, so they opened the kitchen door. The parrot calmly walked onto the one student's arm and politely said, "Awfully sorry about all of the trouble I have given you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The students were amazed and bewildered by the transformation that had come over the parrot. After a few minutes the parrot asked, "By the way, what did that chicken do?"
A lady was walking down the street to work, and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, as you can imagine, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot, and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "WOW lady, you are still really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird if the manager didn't take care of this problem.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She stopped and said, "Yes?"
The bird paused, then said, "You know."
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."